oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
