I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
