you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
