dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
