i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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