The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
