you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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