So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
