...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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