put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
