so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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