When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
