I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
