This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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