Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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