i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
