listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
