she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
