There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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