thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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