Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
