You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
