Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
