I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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