Just fell off a train. Bad.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't deserve a penis
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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