These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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