i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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