Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
