so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
bring money and cleavage
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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