I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
