Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
