I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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