get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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