It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
