He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
