Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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