Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
