New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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