i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
