oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
