I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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