Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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