slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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