Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
