i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
