All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
