Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
