The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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