I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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