I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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