I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
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hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
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Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize