he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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