hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
