she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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