Yo dont text me then not text me
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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