If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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